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about sitemap guestbooksept 10th
i have been writing in my journal a lot. i wrote a lot about things that have happened to me when i was younger, that i’ve never really taken outside of my head. sadly i wrote all that in a cheap journal my friend bought me at a museum shop and the pages are kinda falling apart, and i’ve been bringing this journal around with me eveyrwhere, so now i can possibly lose pieces of it around in the city with my most disturbing traumas on them. whatever
i’ve been thinking of typing some of them out and posting them here, because that’s what i wanted to do at first with this page. but to be honest that doesn’t sound very healthy and also some of that stuff reallyyy isn’t agreable to read about so
but, i’ve also recently found another journal that i used to write in about 3-4 years ago, and some of these things are kinda poetic and i don’t know. i might post them somewhere.
that’s it for the actual pratical stuff. now! more about the content.
i’ve found something a little disturbing in my old journal. so basically i feel like i’ve been experiencing weird moments of ‘virtigo’ from time to time, where i struggle to see what are my real memories, i forget things, and sometimes things around me seem unfamiliar. i had that a bunch of times last winter, but i don’t consider that an alarming amount. except when reading my old journal, i’ve found that i wrote about similar moments a couple of times a couple of years ago. that’s bothering me because i had completely forgotten about them and i genuinely felt like these had started more or less recently. but at the same time it makes sense, especially since some of the things i wrote mention how i keep forgetting things i’ve done or said. also, i started remembering as i read about them, so i know they happened.
i should probably see someone about these. to be fair i should probably see someone for a lot of reasons, but to be honest i live completely on my own right now, i’m not sure how the mental healthcare system works in canada, and i’m a little scared of going through all that stuff. i’ve seen therapists back when i was a teen and i know that takes so much energy.
another thing i almost forgot to write about, which was originally why i was going to type stuff out today, is that i’ve been having weird dreams lately (kh reference). no seriously, i usually don’t remember my dreams often, but for the past week or more i’ve been remembering them almost every night. and every time they’re a little disturbing, not full on nightmares because i don’t feel scared or anxious, but enough to be bothered by them the whole day after. i’ve written them down on my phone right after waking up, i think i’ll type some of them out on here. i don’t know if i’ll write about everything though, because some of them have sexual stuff in them (not the enjoyable kind).
anyways i’m just going through a rough time right now, sorta, i’m taking natural meds my mom gave me but i don’t think they’re doing much, yes i need to get a therapist, anyways bye
july 8th 2025
today has been weird and i need to put my thoughts somewhere. i went to get my new glasses today.
i looked at my face in the mirror before i left to take the bus and i didn’t recognize it. i thought i was someone else. i looked like someone else. i’m back to normal but i still feel like somethign isn’t right and i hate it
i’m scared to go to bed tonight
i’ll be fine. my new glasses look good
i feel isolated in the world, which i’m not more than usual. i spoke to my mom and my dad on the phone yesterday, i should be fine. but i don’t know. i’ve been doing things mechanically
also, idk if i can really talk about it here but i’ve been having fun creating a fake insta account and pretending to be someone else. not to catfish anyone in particular, just for fun. but i think it’s made my day weirder. i need to get back into some sort of routnie. i hate this.
